You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
