i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I AM VODKA MAN
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
