When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
