you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
