I want to make a zoo with you.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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