I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
