What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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