you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
