Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
