Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
