Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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