I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
