I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
