after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
That accounts for only three of the penises
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
My vagina is officially offended.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
