I'm eating all of the evidence.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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