just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
