If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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