oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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