I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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