apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
