my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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