he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
