BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
