My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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