Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
