Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
