i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
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