Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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