tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
