Even the bartender felt bad for me
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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