Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I think your dad took our porno
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
