yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
