just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I checked into jail on foursquare
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.