I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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