when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
