I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
