i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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