you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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