i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Randomize
