And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
This is the high leading the old right now
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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