Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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