my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
