does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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