I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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