you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
