i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Randomize
