I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
