Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
