I could make wine with my vomit
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
