i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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