I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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