Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
