You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
