i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
