i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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