I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
