someone threw a dead crab at me
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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