i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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