Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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