I met the friendliest cop last night
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
