I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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