watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
