help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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